Happy Birthday To Me!

It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to. And I would say if you aren’t crying on your birthday for one reason or another, than you’re doing it wrong.

I’m 38 today. It’s a good 38. It’s filled with mistakes, with regrets, and with what-ifs? It’s chock-full of realizations, embarrassments, and humiliations. There’s more than it’s fair share of pain and suffering. Loads of misunderstandings. Some that have been resolved and some that will never see that day. And if I could, maybe I would go back and fix everything that I needed. But I can’t and so I move on but never forget about it.

There are people who believe it’s a waste to dwell on the past. Especially on the “bad” parts. But after 38 years I’ve learned a few lessons. One of which is there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling bad things. Trying to avoid them is the primary source of unhappiness and a major obstacle to living a full, satisfying life.

So never forget your past. The uglier or more disappointing thing you can remember the better. For one thing, you will experience the actual feelings which is far better than always running from them or trying to avoid them. The only way to get over them is to feel them. Trust me, you will find you are stronger than you ever imagined as a result.

(I don’t mean to be preachy here, but it’s just the easiest writing style for me.)

Another lesson that has benefited me greatly is that I understand there are only a few things that are within my control. The rest is up to fate, circumstance, coincidence, etc. So when I’m able to focus on the things I can control and let go of the futile grip on the things I can’t, life is amazing. It is exactly what it’s supposed to be, pure potential.

That’s right, on this my 38 birthday I am firmly secure in the realization that life is simply potential. As long as you are still above ground anything within the known and unknown realm of possibilities is possible. Keep in mind, this is different from what is likely to happen. They are very different and dictated by circumstance.

Nonetheless, I find this perspective exciting and filled with possibility. And so that’s my life at this point. That’s where I’ve arrived.

One other thing I’ve found is that I’m happier the further I get from religion. I mention this because it’s been a bigger thorn in my side (pardon the pun) than I have realized. Religion is the yoke that keeps people on one path filled with empty promises and false teachings, at best.

At worst, religion teaches pain, suffering, inequity, violence, anger, and hatred beneath the promise of salvation. It’s accepted as a standard of reality so the hardest part of no longer participating in it means being endlessly surrounded by it in every aspect of life.

I do not fault anyone who finds peace and solace within religion’s borders. But the only way that I’ve ever found this to be possible is when a person ignores parts of it that are in disagreement with their own view. But there’s no need focus on that bag of rocks that I’ve finally let go of.

As I mentioned at the outset, shedding tears on your birthday is a sign that things are either going in a good direction or that you’re missing something. Either way, the feedback is enormously helpful. Any captain will tell you, they would rather know they were going the wrong direction than not know at all.

Fortunately, my tears are of deep appreciation and joy. I love my family. My partner in life is my best goddamn friend in the world. She’s a decent person to a fault who loves with me with the entirety of her weird little soft heart which she protects fiercely. My son is healthy and happy and I have the good fortune to spend my every waking minute with him during his sweet and innocent childhood.

I don’t have any secrets from the people that I love and call my friends and family. So my conscience is clear. My dog listens to me most of the time and likes to spend time with me most days. I have a roof over my head. I have food in the cupboards and there’s clothes in my closet. Thankfully, I have my health. I could not ask for more.

But I will make a wish on my birthday. I wish for being able to spend more time with loved ones. For them to be comfortable being themselves around me, just as I am with them. To connect and continue making warm memories and having good times. That’s my wish. Happy Birthday to me! Now where’s the food?