Number 37

Today is the 37th anniversary of the day I was pulled out of oblivion and given a turn on this spinning blue planet.  Of course, I was never asked if I wanted to be brought into being, my parents like every other parent, takes it upon themselves to make that decision--selfish if you ask me.  I was doing fine being part of nothingness.  Minding my own non-existent business.  Then all of sudden...WHAMMO!  Life.

So there I was. It was the mid-70's and people who had been a family for a good decade had added another mouth. As I would later come to find out, they already had their share of problems.  And you know the old saying about shit rolling, it rolls downhill.  Now, I didn't have the worst upbringing, but really that's a pretty low bar to begin with. So i'll just say nothing happened that a few decades of angst, anger, internal struggle, and eventually growth couldn't fix, or modify.

But as I reflect back on my years, as I am prone to do, I can't help but wonder how the hell I made it to 37?  After all, I could have died several times over the years.  I almost drowned in a public pool once when I was kid.  I've had a knife at my throat and a gun in my face on separate occasions.  I've spun out of control in my old truck on the highway with three lanes of traffic barreling down upon me.  And I've married the wrong woman before which could do in any unsuspecting young man.  So yeah, I've had my share of close calls.

But alas! Here I am, putting one foot in front of the other.  By this point in a person's life it's natural to see the end approaching or at least somewhere on the horizon, especially with my love affair with pork.   I wonder how much more life has in store for me.  Most people believe in a religion of some type to help with their questions, fears, and anxieties about death.  They believe in a reward after life such as heaven, or traveling to another dimension, or nirvana, or reincarnation.  I haven't reached that conclusion.

No, my reward is right here on Earth.  It's my family and friends.  It's the people who's humanity and bravery touches my very soul.  It's the people who have helped me along my journey.  It's my wife, who knows every bit of ugliness I have inside me because I have been comfortable enough to show her the real me.  And she loves me for it because she knows that it's the other half of the goodness and decency I have in me as well.  It's my child, who's innocence and wonder i'll protect with my own life.

So where does that leave me after 37 years?  Well, I use to think life was a shitty deal.  I mean you live just to eventually die or see your loved ones die? Not a good deal in my eyes.  Well that was only because I couldn't enjoy life.  I didn't know how.  There was sadness in my family that was around every corner.  Despite the laughter and many good times, it permeated my every thought and action and so I thought of the bleakness before anything else.  It's what was real to me.  It's what I could count on.  It's what I thought kept all the bullshit at arm's length and forced people to be real with me.

But I don't feel like anymore. The bleakness is still there. It always will be. But I no longer see life as just a raw deal. It's absurd. It's too short. And the end is pretty much final, but that's the way it's meant be. I am happy for my life. I love my life.  I'm glad I was given this chance, even if it's only for a blink of an eye when compared to the whole of time.  I'm appreciative of everyone who's in it.  I feel like a lucky man because of everything I mentioned before. My family, the love we create, and good times we've had and those that are still to come.